Clever tech-savvy Mom manages kids

This is how I feel when Lynda shops.

The Americans With No Abilities Act (ANAA)

President Barack Obama and the Democratic Senate are considering
sweeping legislation that will provide new benefits for many more Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.

"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said California Sen. Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability (POI) to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."

In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi and Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. At the state government level, the Department of Motor Vehicles also has an excellent record
of hiring Persons with No Ability (63 percent).

Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million mid-level positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.

Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote a significant number of Persons of Inability (POI) into middle-management positions, and give a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.

Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the non-abled, banning, for example, discriminatory interview questions such as, "Do you have any skills or experience that relate to this job?"

"As a non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Mich., due to her inability to remember righty tighty, lefty loosey. "This new law should be real good for people like me. I'll finally have
job security." With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens will finally see a light at the end
of the tunnel.

Said Sen. Dick Durbin,II: "As a senator with no abilities, I believe the same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her inadequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great
nation and a good salary for doing so." 

This message was approved by Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Diane Feinstein, Barbara Boxer, Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid and Barack Obama.

 

Your Expectations

 

Obama needs a time out

From a story about a Tea-Party gathering in Bloomington:

A tiny blond-haired toddler in a madras skirt and pink Mary Janes clutching her father’s hand sported a T-shirt that read, “Obama and Pelosi need a time out.

Psychiatric hotline

Ring!
Ring!
-click-
Hello, welcome to the psychiatric hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3,4,5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line while we trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press…no one will answer.
Beep!

Exciting New Technology!

Pogue’s Posts - Technology - New York Times Blog: "BOOK is a revolutionary breakthrough in technology; no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It’s so easy to use even a child can operate it. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere, even sitting in an armchair by the fire, yet it is powerful enough to hold as much information as a CD-ROM disc.“Here is how it works: BOOK is constructed of sequentially numbered sheets of recyclable paper, each capable of holding thousands of bits of information. Opaque Paper Technology (OPT) allows manufacturers to use both sides of the sheet, doubling the information density and cutting costs. Each sheet is scanned optically, registering information directly into your brain. A flick of your finger takes you to the next sheet. “BOOK never crashes or requires rebooting. The Browse feature allows you to move instantly to any sheet, and move forward or backward as you wish. An optional “BOOKMARK” accessory allows you to open BOOK to the exact place you left it in a previous session, even if the BOOK is closed. BOOKMARKS fit universal design standards; thus, a single BOOKMARK can be used in BOOKS by various manufacturers. “You can also make personal notes next to BOOK text entries with an optional programming tool, called Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunication Language Stylus (PENCILS).“Portable, durable and affordable, the BOOK is being hailed as the precursor of a huge entertainment wave. BOOK’S appeal seems so certain that thousands of content-creators have committed to the platform, and investors are reportedly flocking to the new phenomenon. Look for a flood of new titles soon.”Link"

Potato Bugs

One night in 1963 I was on door watch in a building at the Mare Island Naval Shipyard. The largest, scariest bug I had ever seen came crawling toward me out of the darkness. If you remember the kids plastic 'Cootie' toy of that era, that is what it resembled. I later learned it was a potato bug, a harmless critter common in California. Here is a spoof on the bug from the web.Boing Boing: A Directory of Wonderful Things: "Q: I have potato bugs in my vegetable garden. How can I rid myself of these pesky critters?
A: Drench your entire yard with gasoline and set it ablaze. Once the fire has burned itself out and the ground has cooled, cultivate the soil to a depth of seven feet, saturate the area with battery acid and top the surface with gasoline. After a few minutes, most of the surviving potato bugs, now irritated, will burrow up for air. Set the yard on fire again, and let it burn itself out. The remaining bugs should be crisped. Add water. Only then, and only maybe, will you rid yourself of potato bugs.

POTATO BUGS AS PETS?
As most species of potato bug are good climbers and can gnaw through 12-gauge steel mesh, a tight fitting lid is required made of a good quality 16-grade galvanized sheet steel with nail holes (no bigger) to allow for air flow. The walls of the cage should be galvanized steel backed with 5/8' plywood, carefully mitered at corners and reinforced with L brackets to prevent escape. Wood screws are preferred over nails for assembly, as potato bugs have been known to ram against the walls until the nails eventually loosen from the wood and work free, compromising the integrity of the structure, and allowing the creatures to infest your house and lay eggs in your ear canal or anus.

Italian Cookies

For all the Italians out there or those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, or even to be friends of Italians.

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man? Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.....“Don’t touch!” she said, “They’re for the funeral!"